Jobless and Addicted to Mothering

I tend towards the compulsive and obsessive. Always have. Said more positively, I am extremely focused.

Recently, a good friend of mine let me know that her pregnant sister was interested in learning more about safe cribs that were free of toxic paints and formaldehyde. My friend’s first thought was, “Well, you’ve got to talk to ‘Stinkerbean’. She loves researching safe baby stuff.”

I received this e-mail requesting my advice at 10 p.m. on a weeknight just before going to bed. There was no rush. She wasn’t in labor and was just shopping around. I couldn’t help myself though. I was exhausted and ready to don my cozy pants, but somehow sleep was suddenly the last thing on my mind. It was as if my fictional editor at The New York Times sent me a delicate assignment involving foreign affairs where the lives of innocent baby pandas hung in the balance.

I haven’t looked at cribs in over two years but plunged right in to the Internet to get my bearings and see what the current market had to offer. I started drafting the “report” in my head while I scanned articles on low-VOC furniture paint and organic mattresses.

This trait served me quite well in school and then later in professional jobs because I took everything so seriously and drove to solutions. But, now my job is being a mother. Since I’m not interested in transferring this manic energy to Lolo, I force it into product research and solicited (sometimes unsolicited) advice of these products.

It’s really absurd how much pleasure I take researching, trying, and testing baby stuff.

So, I sent the e-mail with my whole spiel to my friend’s sister. It was 856 words long and included 16 links. Sixteen links. I knew it would probably (completely) overwhelm her and give the distinct impression that I was a bit off. But I’d rather be perceived as a tad nuts than do a half-hearted write-up. It’s my job.

The exercise forced me to wonder why I do it? What drives me? The job does. It makes me feel like a professional, a functional adult who can speak and write. I may do silly dances in the kitchen while singing in the voice of a bear hungry for scrambled eggs. But, I can still tackle an assignment. That’s when it hit me. I mother via Internet research. If only it came with sick leave and vacation days.

Finally, Some Drama at Music Class

This is the most dramatic turn of events at music class since “The No Running Policy” was enacted.

I received this e-mail a couple days ago and couldn’t wait to show up at class this morning.

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Dear Music Class Families,

The tenant living above our music space in town has disrupted some of our classes these past couple weeks. We are aware of the problem and thought it had been resolved between the building landlord and the tenant. The tenant has been informed that during business hours she cannot disrupt any class held at the space or she will be charged with harassment and diminishing business. We are sincerely sorry for any interruptions to your class and thank you for your patience. We expect the matter will be resolved immediately.

Sincerely,

Music Class Lady

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I was desperately hoping the angry tenant would come stomping down to our class with a house dress on, wielding an ancient broom and demanding that we cease and desist with the tambourine madness. But, my readiness to call 911 went unrewarded.

Trickle Down

I’ve never spent so much time in the bathroom save for the two times I’ve had food poisoning (frozen lasagna when I was 14 and a Subway sandwich in college).

I gave in recently and purchased little potties for Lolo so she would feel more comfortable with the whole concept. We already have the potty seats that fit over our adult-sized ones and cute step stools but she’s still a little intimidated. Clearly trying to avoid transferring her “work” from a plastic pot to a porcelain one was prolonging the entire process. (I’ve also learned that it’s hard to tell if she’s actually gone pee when she’s on the adult-sized potty. Frankly two tablespoons of liquid isn’t all that audible and doesn’t discolor a full bowl of water. With the plastic one, there is hard evidence.)

The past couple of days, when I’ve asked if she wants to sit on the potty, she’s said “ssches”. So, we sit. She’s on the plastic throne and I am on the bathroom floor reading a stack of library books so she’s fully entertained and of course, hydrated.

She won’t get off until there’s success. Because without success, she’ll miss out on the screeching, jumping, hollerin’ session. We always end with the happy dance because something eventually trickles out after 45 minutes of sipping water. Needless to say, I never ask if she needs to use the potty if we have to be anywhere within an hour.

Yesterday she used her downstairs potty and immediately had success. We jumped, we yelped and then walked her results over to the big potty. She wanted to sit some more. Again, she immediately found success and we repeated the whole cycle. This happened FIVE times in a row. She obviously let a little bit out, tensed up and held the rest in while we took care of the celebration and flush. But, I am thinking that this is the beginning of muscle control? She can seemingly hold it a bit. Maybe?

In the evening before bed, she had 7 pee sessions in a row. When I cut her off because it was actually time to skedaddle to dreamland, she emptied the rest of her bladder on the changing table. Clearly she really did need to sit some more.

Now that there is a consistent interest, I basically have to figure how much I want to sit on the bathroom floor. We’re a long way from her telling me she feels the pee-pee coming but I’m not ashamed to say that it’s a good way to waste some time when it’s frigid outside.

I’m PUBLISHED!

Excuse the ALL CAPS! I’m a little weak in the knees. My words were published. Actually published. Check out the mamapedia.com homepage and scroll down to the article about “Pondering When To Have a Second Child.”

Just make room on my name placard. “Stay-at-home mom, zucchini bread baker, former graphic designer, dog walker and  writer” (unpaid for all of course, but no less proud.)

Pass it on to EVERYONE you know. Click, click, click my link.

http://www.mamapedia.com/voices/pondering-when-to-have-a-second-child

Phone Company Follow-up

Here is a follow-up to yesterday’s post about the great phone line debacle.

As I left the last post, I could call out with some mild static but all incoming calls gave me this screeching interference.

Once I made contact with the Mid-Atlantic President to tell him that I was having new issues and that things were not okay as previously thought, I received a call from a new technician, we’ll call him Ben. It was clear that Ben was assigned to my case and nothing else until this hot mess was cleaned up. He was an incredibly nice person whom I spoke with no less than 80 times in one five hour afternoon as they continually tested the line with internal network fixes. In the background, I could hear that he was the lucky one of many sitting at a conference table assigned to talk to the customer while they were troubleshooting the issue.

As it closed in on 6 pm, Ben told me they had a local technician on “standby” to come and check the physical lines at my house just to cover all their bases. They were 99% sure it was an internal network issue but they wanted to check just to be safe.

The phone company technician showed up and introduced himself and then said, “So, what’s goin’ on? Whoever you called … you got them jumpin’. I’ve worked here for 13 years and never seen anything like this. The CEO and President of my division sent me emails thanking me for working late tonight to work on your job. There are conference room tables filled with people in several states all working on your line.”

An hour and a half later after many test calls, they figured it out. The CSR who made the initial mistake had switched us over to a new digital line. And, these digital lines are still new for the phone company. When someone calls my phone number, the call has to hit different “checkpoints” along the way. And, in essence, some of these “checkpoints” were broken. That’s why I could get wireless calls but not landline ones from out of state. They narrowed down which checkpoints needed service and somehow fixed it.

My one question was, “So, how come no one noticed this before? It must have affected more people than me?”

The technician replied, “Umm. I guess not everyone is home as much to get as many landline calls or they would just blow it off as a freak occurrence?”

Basically, I’m a housewife with too much time on my hands to get my panties in a bunch?

I am happy to say that I now have a functional phone. Sadly there were probably 30 people late to eat dinner with their families because of me.

The CEO of a Major Phone Company Read My Email

Just when I thought my life indoors, sheltered from the bitter cold outside lacked the drama needed to fuel my blog, the phone lines went dead.

Just before the Christmas holiday, I spoke to a customer service representative (CSR) at our phone/internet/TV service company about lowering our monthly bill by signing a one-year contract. Simple. Helpful. Awesome. We’d already had their service for 18 months so it sounded like a plan. What wasn’t so awesome was the chain of events that were sparked when that CSR pressed the wrong button to disconnect our line. It took five days on the phone with their technical department to restore our service. It was brutal. False promises, confused employees, having to explain the situation from beginning to end over and over when I didn’t really know what the issue was. I had no idea that woman clicked the wrong button.

So, whatever. Christmas was coming. Who cared about giving the phone company a piece of my mind? We had our phone back and if I had the energy later, I would try to get a refund on the days without service.

Then on January 4, history repeated itself. I had a dial tone, but no one from an area code outside the state (including Papa from Manhattan) could call me. Wireless numbers could get through, but no land line calls. I didn’t have the heart. I didn’t have the fight. I couldn’t spend another five days talking with bewildered utility employees. I needed someone to actually see the issue as a whole and reach out themselves to the most powerful people they could find to fix it for me without me spending countless wireless minutes waiting on hold.

So, I set about to reach the highest up person I could, the CEO of this huge utility company.

I simply wrote the man an email. Apparently he read it. (At least I fantasized that he did. In reality I knew it was either an executive assistant or some drone assigned to read the incoming complaints.) Within 45 minutes, I received a call from a local manager who was on the case and assured me that he would take care of it. I also received a call from a regional manager and an email from the Mid-Atlantic President.

When I scrolled below the email from the Mid-Atlantic President, I saw my message forwarded by Mr. CEO himself. The head of the company read it. He heard my deflated tone and desperate cries and sought help. Boo-ya.

Here is my email to Mr.  CEO.

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Dear Mr. CEO at huge phone company-

I live in My City, My State, and have been a customer for over a year and a half. Inexplicably on December 13, your company disconnected my phone service. It was an accident on the company’s part and it took me five days to get a serviceable phone line restored. I spent a minimum of 2 hours each day speaking with technicians and customer service people each of those five days to push the issue through the horribly concocted phone company systems.

I was so frustrated and worn down from fighting to get the phone back that I didn’t have the energy to follow up with customer service to tell them how disappointing the situtation had been. I wasted countless wireless minutes because I didn’t have a land line, and really the only reason the issue was fixed was due to my persistence.

No one at the phone company seems to be connected to see issues from a global perspective. The CSRs read a script that boasts that they strive to provide the highest customer service but no one along the line looked at my account and said, this is out of control and I want to follow through until it’s resolved. As soon as someone saw that there was a repair order pending or that a department that could fix it was closed, they washed their hands of it. No one really wanted to deal with it. Furthermore, I could never follow up with the same technician for the sake of continuity. They don’t have incoming numbers for customers to call or employee identification numbers. I had to re-explain the giant mess each and every time I called.

Even more impressive is that I had to fight to get a refund on my phone bill for December. I was offered a refund of five days of phone service but explained to the CSR that 5 days doesn’t explain the wasted time and frustration I had to go through because of a mistake the phone company made and couldn’t seem to repair.

On January 4, our line was disconnected again. Again, I have been on the phone for a minimum of two hours each day and each time I hear of a new department it has to go through or a new acronym explaining the process.

I spoke with a man today, an escalation specialist in Technical Services, and he told me that my trouble ticket now has to go to the another technical department. I asked if I could speak with them directly and he told me that he can’t even call them by phone. Seriously? I’m a responsible, paying customer who would like to have a land line, who wants your services, and I am told there is some elusive department that you can’t reach by phone, even internally?

I’m lost and confused and incredibly defeated. I can’t rely on hope that I will have phone service. I have to be able to have a phone for babysitters to call in an emergency. It’s the contact that everyone has to reach me and it’s a dead phone line.

I don’t know what you can do personally to fix this but I wanted you to know that your systems, mistakes and inefficiencies may force me to find other options.

Sincerely,

My Real Name

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This morning, the phone line was actually fixed. I sighed with relief and wrote an email to the Mid-Atlantic President thanking him for the prompt action. However, ten minutes later, I received four calls from the phone company’s “888” customer service number only to hear a high pitched mechanical screech. Interference so loud, I couldn’t speak over it.

The story goes on for the rest of the day, but it will have “to be continued” in my next post.

Holiday Recap

It wouldn’t be a holiday out of town for the Stinkerbean clan without a trip to the closest urgent care center. Lolo awoke at 5 a.m. Christmas morning with a fever, some red spots on her stomach and back and a wicked cough. Since everything except for Walgreen’s was closed, she was soothed by juice, Motrin, and lots and lots of presents from Santa. (The hotdog and cheese brought by room service for dinner wasn’t bad either.) I was soothed by in-room coffee and gossip mags.

(I knew she wasn’t feeling well when she actually wanted to sleep in our bed. Normally, she only agrees to get in our bed so she can order us out to play.)

The spots eventually went away so our biggest fears of chicken pox were allayed but she definitely had an ear infection and some sort of upper respiratory infection.

As usual, she made it through in good spirits fueled by the attention thrown at her from both sets of grandparents. It was wonderful to see everyone and be able to get out of town for a bit.

The cold in the Northeast is unbearable right now. Frigid. Bone Chilling. So cold it makes me whine. You can’t be outside for more than the quick run from the car to the house. So we’ve been hunkered down inside with a lot of homemade entertainment like paper bag puppets, finger paint and dollhouse play. Yes, Lolo received the much anticipated dollhouse which we managed to conceal in the car on the way down South. When she received it, she was completely nonchalant like she knew it was coming and had already played with it in her dreams. (Pictures worshiping the dollhouse are forthcoming.)